First thing I do every morning, bad, bad me: check my emails.  Am always hoping, secretly, for some miracle. Wot? Dunno. Maybe Antonio Banderas writing to say he saw my picture on LinkedIn and finds me so irresistible he is crossing the pond to whisk me off to Butlin’s; an unknown lawyer announcing an equally unknown relative was considerate enough to both acquire a vast fortune and bequeath it to me upon their recent death, allowing me to pay off my mortgage and gallivant about the world, flaunting my amazing body to sexy hunks, of which my life is, sadly, presently devoid; a text message from God’s aftersales guys saying that the latest random  survey “upstairs” has determined I had been slightly wronged in terms of design years ago and that a kind, smart, funny creature  like me definitely deserves long, lean and tanned legs, new assets that will shortly be sent over by express delivery. And could I be as kind as to take a few minutes to answer their quality survey.

But no. So what, you may rightfully ask, did I find in my email box this morning? A 50 % discount by Groupon on snail slime face cream. An appetising offer which, most to my surprise, had already been taken up by no fewer than 1, 000 customers. The extent to which one is ready to go to look younger never ceases to amaze me. Not that I, with my own stunning physique, can really understand how other, more ordinary, women can feel. But snail slime? Referred to as “Snail Secretion Filtrate”, surely sounding more sophisticated.

Why “snail” slime? Does it really have properties that exceeds one’s own, home-produced, free …mucus on a good wintry day? Should I consider starting my own muck farm by raising contributions from family and friends?

Now I don’t want to be snotty, uh snooty…. but what is it that Chilean snails have that our own Burgundy snails can’t boast? How long does it take for a snail from Chile to arrive in France, given that Maxima Aspersa, the species in question, moves forward at a speed of 700 centimeters per hour? How many snails does it take to produce enough slime for 1,000 tubes of cream? I have read that increasing the production of slime involves subjecting snails to agitation and stress.  What does an agitated, over-active  snail look like? Does agitation, for example, increase the mollusk’s sex drive? For, in spite of their (relative) lack of charisma, gasteropods enjoy a wild sex life that is far from sluggish and would make any woman look at her Owen with spite.

Twelve hours, that is how long foreplay is for snails. There is no opposite sex in their world. The first snail to shoot its love dart into its mate’s body becomes the male. Such versatility considerably widens mating opportunities  and certainly spices up their short existence long before they end up soaked in garlic butter on our French plates. Think about it when you come to Burgundy and raise your glass to your loved one’s rosy cheeks while phlegmatically whispering …  “I love you Slimey Face’.

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